My friend is about to visit me from India. When he first came, he brought me a lot of gifts. Colourful sarees, gossamer scarves, and embroidered slippers. All beautiful stuff, but I can’t make use of them. I wear jeans. So they are in my wardrobe and I have no idea what to do with them.

Now he is reading a book from Robert Cialdini: Influence – the Psychology of Persuation. He refers to it while we are talking about gifts. The author says giving small gifts make people obliged to say YES to you. He wants to know my opinion.

Presenting gifts has a long history. The tradition is as old as human societies, moreover, we can find traces of gifting in the animal kingdom, too. Certain male spiders use a gift, a bundle of prey, to woo the female. Presenting food as a dowry is not uncommon among animals (tough usually the female is gifted). The cavemen had only shared goods. They also had an obligation to share food, so maybe we should not consider this as giving a gift.

At the advent of agriculture giving gifts had an important role in establishing societies. Guess, who gave gift to who? Rich to poor or poor to rich?  Well, when the poor gave gift, it was called tax and was compulsory. However the rich gave gifts (selectively) for political reasons: with surplus food they made others their dependents, as the gifted were supposed to reciprocate it in the future. These persons became boss not by sword but by generosity. This is how social differentiation started.

Presenting gifts is a two-sided trade. We want to make others happy with our gift, and by the way, we place them in our debt. They feel obliged to return it in some way. My daughter was five years old when she recognized this social rule and surprised me with a toilet freshener at Christmas.

I remember a colleague who made me very uncomfortable with her gifts. She occasionally gave me small presents without any reason. A pendant, a perfume or a pen, they were too small or cheap to refuse. She was my subordinate, with a relatively substandard quality of work. When she was terminated (by my boss), she made me feel she would expect some protection from me, in exchange for the gifts. In her case, the strategy of the author didn’t work. Her gifts misfired and I was happy to cut ties with her.

What went wrong in her case? Many things. First of all, she was my subordinate, so it was obvious that she expects some work-related benefit in exchange. Yeah, there is no such thing as a free gift. Secondly, she gave me stuff I didn’t need, so it was more a bother for me. She did not know me enough. She didn’t give the gifts because she liked me. Her gifts suggested she didn’t care about me, she cared about herself.

So does Mr. Cialdini talk rubbish in his book? Not at all, but giving gifts is an art, it has many rules.

Number one: when you give a gift, it should not be obvious that you expect something in exchange

You expect, of course, nothing is free, but it can backfire. It can even wreck a good relationship. When I am offered a free product sample, I always reject it. I know people want to persuade me to buy.

I feel obliged when I come back from a trip to bring something to my colleagues because they do the same. In the last three years I changed the game, I bring a big bag of chocolate and put it on the table. Everybody can take it, nobody gets a personalized gift from me. No commitment.

Number two: the gift should be useful

I have a bag full of key chains and fridge magnets from my colleagues. I will never use them, I don't know what to do with them, and I don't remember who gave them. It is a nuisance, so in this case, the gifts didn’t work.

I was looking for a book, but it was not available on the market. My friend learnt about my wish and managed to get the book. In fact, it didn’t cost him money, as he found a pdf and printed it out. Still, this gift had an impact and I feel very grateful for it.

A gift doesn’t have to be either expensive or new. Even second-hand gifts make people happy if they are unique. You can make our own gifts because it means you dearly care about that person.

You can also gift immaterial presents like movie tickets or a gym pass.

Number three: you have to know the person well to give a gift

When a gift and the person don't match, it can be a disaster. Once someone bought an aftershave lotion for my husband. He never shaved, he has a beard. He took it as an offence.

You have to know the person's likes and dislikes, what is important for them, what is their pain. For example, you see that your friend is sitting in an uncomfortable chair. You can bring a cushion for her. Notice what they really need and what would make them happy.

Number four: present it in a casual way

Don’t say, "I bought it for you". It carries a message that I spent money on you so you should be grateful.  If there is no occasion, you can even say, "I have this but I don't need it anymore, maybe you can use it". It provides an option to the receiver to reject the gift, and no grudges are held.

All in all, giving small gifts carries a message, that you are thoughtful and considerate about your friends. It is a good tool to build powerful relationships. Just follow those safety measures above.